One step closer to complete freedom

This week, I have been processing a lot of past trauma which was triggered by the training I did last weekend. We learnt a lot about what trauma actually is, how to set clear boundaries and how to say no to something you are not happy with. It made me realise how many times in my life even recently where I have overstepped my own personal boundaries and it left me riddled with shame. It also reminded me of times in my life when I wasn’t heard and things happened to me because I was scared, or I was trying to please someone else.

So this weekend I was offering my body for the practice so others could learn Tantric massage.   This is the second time I have done this weekend and each time, I am blown away by the power of it. When I arrived in Bristol on Friday, I could feel all these emotions start to rise to the surface and I wrote out what I was feeling and even I was shocked when I put it into words

I feel like I don't want anyone to touch me

I'm feeling unsafe

I feel like I'm unable to hold any boundaries and that I can be over powered easily by others

I feel vulnerable

I don't feel in my power

I feel like I've slipped into my younger self and don't want to put myself in any bad situations

But there is part of me too that wants it too

I want to be made to feel used

That's a feeling that I was always used too

I recognise that pain

But deep down it scares me

I don't like being in this place, I want my power back again.

This was me in my complete raw state, I wasn’t in my 39 year old body, I was 17 again.

When I was out running on Saturday, I couldn’t stop crying, I spoke with a couple of friends, I just wanted to be heard and explain how I was feeling and that alone was so comforting.  I knew I had the tools to work on this but wanted someone to hold my hand.

I worked with one of my amazing EAM mentors and in no time at all, we cleared an imprint on my energy from when I was raped and although I had worked on this before, this was different. I had a connection with the person that did it and I needed to set him free. I have never really spoken about him and how I felt. The truth is, he was someone I admired and looked up too and I think that’s why I never told anyone too because I was so shocked that he actually did it. I know I said no and my no wasn’t heard. I have never felt anger towards him, I just so sad that he had done this to me. I remember looking at him afterwards and he couldn’t even look at me, I felt disgusting, I felt ashamed and I felt used.

As I went into the course yesterday, I felt back in my power again but I felt so nervous and was fearful of the afternoon yoni massage practice and who I was going to work with. As this was a part of a teaching piece, I stayed really connected with the person I was working with giving feedback and then when it became painful, I asked for the treatment to stop and asked to be wrapped in a blanket and I just need to lay there and just be for a moment.

I then felt a rush of panic come over me, I couldn’t breathe and I felt suffocated. I went to leave the room I wanted to escape and run away. I lay on the floor and cried, I couldn’t stop crying and all I kept thinking was about that night, I didn’t ask for any of this, I said no and he never stopped. All the emotions of the things I was feeling then were coming out, I needed to be told I was safe and wanted someone to hold my hand whilst this released from me. I covered myself in a blanket as I felt so ashamed of myself and didn’t want anyone to see me. How could I have kept this inside me for so long, how can  I still have so much trauma left inside my body, I was back to that place and I was experiencing all the emotions that I felt then but never expressed.

Afterwards, I went still and came back to the room. I felt so embarrassed and I was in so much shock because I went from feeling ‘ok’ to having this out of body experience.  

I have spent lots of time this week going over it all in my mind and processing what had happened. I feel calmer now and I have done lots of EAM work to clear any feelings of embarrassment and shame and aligned to trusting that this is all part of my journey to complete freedom from my past.

I also now realise that my journey continues and there is no such thing as being fixed…each time I have these releases it’s always something different, a different angle or perspective that leaves my body. This is a practice and each time I clear something, I will deepen the connection to myself.

I also know that by me sharing my journey, I will empower someone else to know they can speak up, they do have a voice and have the right to say no to something that they are not happy with.