I have always struggled with Christmas
- by Kerry O'Sullivan
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- 24 Dec, 2018
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I’m sitting here on Christmas Eve and I have a similar feeling come over me, I feel a bit sad and I feel emotional and it’s something that I feel every year. Don’t get me wrong, I have thrown myself into Christmas parties and preparation with the kids but underneath all that, I still feel like this. I have the tools to work on it but for today, I am going to just be. I will do the work and to be honest, just writing this blog is really helping me understand why I feel like this.
When I was growing up, Christmas was a mixture to be honest. My mum worked so hard so we had presents to open, I know she used to scout the charity shops to give us what she could afford and we really felt lucky, we had so much, it may not have been the designer coats that everyone else had or the latest games but we were so loved and we had so much to be thankful for. I still remember my mums face at Christmas and seeing the relief on her face when she saw the delight in our faces. In our bubble, I felt so thankful but I always remember feeling sad when we met up with our friends and saw what they had and I just wished that one day I could show off my stuff with pride to everyone. Little did I know then, how lucky I was to have anything.
For the last 10 years, I have helped the homeless at Christmas, for me it has always been a part of me, I always love to give back but to work with the homeless, holds a special place in my heart. The people I have met over the years are homeless because of a variety of reasons and they all have emotional stories to tell and they are just people like you and me, they may have lost their job, had a marriage break down, so many reasons and it could happen to any of us. There are people out there every day and not just at Christmas that only have the clothes they wear and a few belongings.
Working with the homeless especially at the time of the year where there is so much excess, really makes me realise how lucky I am. Maybe there is some guilt somewhere that I once felt jealous of my friends when my mum had worked so hard, who knows I just know at this time of year, I feel like I need to balance the excess with giving back.
This year, I decided that I wouldn’t do Crisis at Christmas and it was mainly due to all the red tape there is now, I volunteer for a day and sometimes I may only get to give treatments for 4 hours after all the travelling and briefings etc and thought I would find somewhere locally instead so I give more of my time to make a difference.
I have contacted three charities over the last month, two homeless charities in Maidstone and a refuge in Medway and at the moment, nothing has materialised so I’ll probably go to the dementia home for now until I hear as I love the difference I make there. I can’t not give back at Christmas, but why is that?
I have done so much work around receiving love and I am getting so good at it but I think it’s just the amount of gifts you get and all the food there is, excess everywhere and people are panicking they may run out of food because the shops are closed for one day. I can’t help but think about all the people in the world that don’t have anything, those that are spending Christmas without their loved ones. Sometimes, I feel like I can really feel their pain and it takes my breath away.
I feel better for just expressing how I feel today and honouring it. I know next year, I am going to be part of something that will make a real difference at Christmas and this year, I will be open to what comes.
For me, Christmas is all about spreading love and joy and spending time with the people that matter in my life and I will remind myself how precious that is. After losing beautiful friends in my life, I really do feel blessed to be here and be healthy and I will surrender to that feeling.
Be blessed with all you have and all the people that surround you this Christmas but if you find it tough like I do, know that it’s ok too and acknowledge it as it feels so much better when you can just say how you feel.
Sending lots of love to you all. xx
I’d woken up my sexual energy and been on a crazy journey exploring this but I knew I was holding back in my own pleasure, I was afraid of my power, of what was possible within me
Like with all week-long containers I attend, it was edgy and I’d had a banging headache that wouldn’t budge and was driving me crazy.
I did an embodiment practice connecting to my energy body and moving energy through, I started to shake, my head started to move frantically from side to side and I was screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I could see it so clearly, I was being held down and I was being raped, all I could see were faces flashing up in my eyes as I moved the trauma through my body
I’d experienced something like this before in my own journey but I knew this wasn’t mine
Then all of a sudden, I felt my back arch and I rose from my body and saw myself connecting into the light, to consciousness
I remember feeling this sense of peace all over my body as I felt the light beam in to me
Then I came back to the room, I couldn’t really make sense of what happened and it took a while for me to feel fully in my body - I wasn’t really back for some time
That night, I couldn’t sleep and as I tossed and turned, I felt a presence in the room, I thought I must be dreaming and then I was told very clearly
This isn’t just about you
It’s for the women that never had a voice
All those that came before you
That never had the power to heal from their trauma and the times their No wasn’t heard
You are doing it for them too
On the days where I want to run away
I remind myself of this day
I remind myself of the power I have to heal myself and the collective, both here and those that have past
Sometimes it feels like a huge responsibility but it’s why I show up
It’s always bigger then you … always
It took me a while to integrate what happened in Goa, it was the first time, I realized that I was part of something greater than me and I’m sharing with you because I want you to know that too
To be Continued….
She used to share with me the stories of her own spiritual journey and that I had guides and angels watching over me
I used to raise my eyebrows and honestly thought she was a bit doolally
I knew before I arrived in the world that my mum had experienced some miscarriages, she remembers the night I was conceived so clearly
She felt herself rise from the bed, seeing herself below, she felt the hand of something on her shoulder but she was too scared to look around.
The voice told her not to worry and that everything would be ok now
She found out she was pregnant a few weeks later
Another story she shared was when she was 8 months pregnant, whilst making dinner, she slipped on some water in the kitchen and as she fell, she grabbed the oven and as it fell towards her, the pan of boiling potatoes slid to the back of oven
Another time, at the traffic lights whilst taking me to school, the lights turned red and just as she was about to cross, a voice told her to pull me back, just as a motorbike sped through the red light
So many things like this happened in my childhood and my mum said she always knew I’d be a spiritual soul and my angels were always looking out for me
I never understood or wanted to accept that I was spiritual until the last few years, I think it really began when I experienced my own out-of-body experience
This happened in 2020 during a retreat in Goa and it was an experience that I will never forget and it was the catalyst for a HUGE ascension into the spiritual world.
To be Continued…
I had so many messages to share, that I definitely wasn’t present at Mark’s friend’s party and spent most of the time on the phone
In the past, I always told myself that mediums and psychics were con artists and that they never really knew anything, they just picked up on things you said
On that day, I purposely tried to say nothing but it didn’t matter because everything she was saying didn’t make sense to me
But after, when I delivered the messages, it made more sense
I just kept saying OMG, this must be true
You cannot deny this Kerry
This isn’t something she made up
OMG, There must be a life after this one
I always thought how can there be a god if so many people I loved were taken so young
But in that moment I realised there maybe there was more after this life, that the spirits and angels my mums always told me about did exist
This was just over 6 years ago…
I thought that was the start of my deepest spiritual journey, turns out it started the night I was conceived
To be continued… there is so much more to come
