Are you numb to Love?
- by Kerry O'Sullivan
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- 03 Dec, 2018
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What is love? It’s a question that would have a different answer for everyone and maybe something that we can sometimes not even define.
I always thought I loved myself and it was only when I stopped making myself busy and realised when I took all that busyness away that I never loved myself, not really, not deep down. I filled my days up doing so much for others, always keeping busy raising money for charities, giving back to others and literally sitting still thinking, who can I help next – anything that would detract from myself and getting to know me, the real me and the me that I was really running away from.
I had some real negative feelings about myself that I was actually quite shocked to realise, I felt disgusting, I felt fat & ugly and I felt unworthy of love.
My biggest breakthrough on my journey was when I realised that I didn’t love myself
I only realised this last year
Since then, I have really worked at knowing the reasons why and releasing this from my energy as little did I know that this was really holding me back in my life
Looking back, I remember never going for new jobs in my career because I just felt blessed with what I earned already and thought I had enough, I always wanted to step forward for every opportunity but sometimes the voices in my head sabotaged it, I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t deserve it but the thing was, these voices were my norm, they were part of me, I didn’t know any different, I never knew these thoughts were not serving me
Receiving love was also a real struggle for me, whenever I received a compliment, I would never accept it and just chuck a compliment right back at someone, if anyone gave me a gift, I would be racked with guilt and almost immediately start thinking, I should give this to someone else, what can I buy them to say thank you…
I was unable to really receive love from someone because I didn’t feel worthy of that love, I was protecting myself, I was blocked and I was numbing myself from really feeling anything that may hurt me
I know the reasons why, it is all to do with my past experiences and although my new awakened state can be challenging at times as I feel everything, I would take this every day over the numbness that I felt before and I know now that I have a new found love for myself, I don’t put myself down, I look after me because I know how precious my life is and I want to feel great all the time and if I don’t I find out why and release it
Does this resonate with anyone? Are you able to receive love, not just from others but from yourself as well? Do you let yourself feel love but I mean really feel it? So when someone hugs you, do you let yourself feel their arms around you and feel the warmth of the love they are giving you?
Take time today to really understand how you feel about love and is it something you find easy or hard to receive?
Learning to love yourself and to receive love is a practice and it is something that I work on daily and once you start it, it becomes your life, I now open my arms and my heart fully to receive. Love is one of the things that lights me up and I give myself permission every day to be more present with life and to feel all the love that comes my way.
It always starts with us first though, are you loving yourself unconditionally and if not, why? How can you receive love from anyone else, if you don't love who you are.
Let’s start loving ourselves more today, acknowledge how you are feeling? Write down everything that comes up for you when you think about love, what do you need that will make you feel better? Could be a nice bath, having an afternoon nap, eating something yummy that you’ve fancied for ages, whatever that looks like for you, Let’s stop, listen, accept all that we are and give ourselves some love today because we really are worthy of it.
When someone hugs you, take a breath and really feel them hold you and accept that love with love, if someone gives you a complement, simply say thank you and let it land in you and notice how different it feels just to accept it.
The more you practice, the more it will become a way of life giving you a stronger sense of connection with yourself and all the beautiful people around you.
Want to learn how to love yourself more? Come and join my Facebook community where I share the ways I have practiced this and so much more
Facebook Page: Facebook.com/holistickerry
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I’d woken up my sexual energy and been on a crazy journey exploring this but I knew I was holding back in my own pleasure, I was afraid of my power, of what was possible within me
Like with all week-long containers I attend, it was edgy and I’d had a banging headache that wouldn’t budge and was driving me crazy.
I did an embodiment practice connecting to my energy body and moving energy through, I started to shake, my head started to move frantically from side to side and I was screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I could see it so clearly, I was being held down and I was being raped, all I could see were faces flashing up in my eyes as I moved the trauma through my body
I’d experienced something like this before in my own journey but I knew this wasn’t mine
Then all of a sudden, I felt my back arch and I rose from my body and saw myself connecting into the light, to consciousness
I remember feeling this sense of peace all over my body as I felt the light beam in to me
Then I came back to the room, I couldn’t really make sense of what happened and it took a while for me to feel fully in my body - I wasn’t really back for some time
That night, I couldn’t sleep and as I tossed and turned, I felt a presence in the room, I thought I must be dreaming and then I was told very clearly
This isn’t just about you
It’s for the women that never had a voice
All those that came before you
That never had the power to heal from their trauma and the times their No wasn’t heard
You are doing it for them too
On the days where I want to run away
I remind myself of this day
I remind myself of the power I have to heal myself and the collective, both here and those that have past
Sometimes it feels like a huge responsibility but it’s why I show up
It’s always bigger then you … always
It took me a while to integrate what happened in Goa, it was the first time, I realized that I was part of something greater than me and I’m sharing with you because I want you to know that too
To be Continued….
She used to share with me the stories of her own spiritual journey and that I had guides and angels watching over me
I used to raise my eyebrows and honestly thought she was a bit doolally
I knew before I arrived in the world that my mum had experienced some miscarriages, she remembers the night I was conceived so clearly
She felt herself rise from the bed, seeing herself below, she felt the hand of something on her shoulder but she was too scared to look around.
The voice told her not to worry and that everything would be ok now
She found out she was pregnant a few weeks later
Another story she shared was when she was 8 months pregnant, whilst making dinner, she slipped on some water in the kitchen and as she fell, she grabbed the oven and as it fell towards her, the pan of boiling potatoes slid to the back of oven
Another time, at the traffic lights whilst taking me to school, the lights turned red and just as she was about to cross, a voice told her to pull me back, just as a motorbike sped through the red light
So many things like this happened in my childhood and my mum said she always knew I’d be a spiritual soul and my angels were always looking out for me
I never understood or wanted to accept that I was spiritual until the last few years, I think it really began when I experienced my own out-of-body experience
This happened in 2020 during a retreat in Goa and it was an experience that I will never forget and it was the catalyst for a HUGE ascension into the spiritual world.
To be Continued…
I had so many messages to share, that I definitely wasn’t present at Mark’s friend’s party and spent most of the time on the phone
In the past, I always told myself that mediums and psychics were con artists and that they never really knew anything, they just picked up on things you said
On that day, I purposely tried to say nothing but it didn’t matter because everything she was saying didn’t make sense to me
But after, when I delivered the messages, it made more sense
I just kept saying OMG, this must be true
You cannot deny this Kerry
This isn’t something she made up
OMG, There must be a life after this one
I always thought how can there be a god if so many people I loved were taken so young
But in that moment I realised there maybe there was more after this life, that the spirits and angels my mums always told me about did exist
This was just over 6 years ago…
I thought that was the start of my deepest spiritual journey, turns out it started the night I was conceived
To be continued… there is so much more to come
